Top 10 Things You Never Want to Hear Your Organist Say...
10. "How Great Thou Art"? Never heard it.
9. My legs are too short to reach the pedals. Guess I'll have to bring in my monkey...
8. What are all these buttons and levers used for?
7. I'd rather be playing accordion...
6. Well whadda ya know, two keyboards on one instrument! Who'd a thought it?
5. Now where did I put my mask?
4. Hold that note, I'll be right back.
3. Everyone keep in mind I can play louder than you can sing!
2. Aahahhh! There's that bagpipe sound card!
...and the number one thing you never want to hear...
1. Ok, everybody sing! Take me out to the ball game...
Top Ten Reasons You Know Your Church Secretary is Having a Bad Day
10. She keeps saying, "What is that ringing noise I keep hearing?"
9. You overhear her tell a friend, "Eh, who pays attention to the bulletin anyway?"
8. She asks you where the paper jam is kept so she can put some on her peanut butter sandwich.
7. She keeps trying to use the church intercom system to place a drive through order at Burger King.
6. Her standard answer is, "No I can't do that just now, I'm in the middle of an EBay auction."
5. She begins to speak to you in King James English.
4. She adds chapter and verse notations to all church communications.
3. She makes the sign of the cross whenever you walk past her door.
2. She adds her own personal commentary to the Pastor's sermon notes.
And the number one reason...
1. She calls a team meeting with the CEO...
Top 10 New Years Resolutions to Avoid
10. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
9. Read less. Makes you think.
8. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
7. Spend more time at work.
6. Get in a whole NEW rut! Start being superstitious.
5. Break at least one traffic law.
4. Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
3. Wait for opportunity to knock.
2. Focus on the faults of others.
...and the number one New Years Resolution to avoid is...
1. Make New Year's resolutions.
Top 10 Predictions for 2008
10. The Bible Will Still Have The Answers
9. Prayer Will Still Work
8. The Holy Spirit Will Still Move Throughout The World
7. God Will Still Inhabit The Praises Of His People
6. There Will Still Be God-Anointed Preaching
5. The Church Will Grow Faster Than Ever
4. God Will Still Pour Out Blessings On His People
3. There Will Still Be Room At The Cross
2. Jesus Will Still Love You
1. Jesus Will Still Save The Lost
The Top Ten Signs That it is Christmas
10. Your neighbor finally takes down his Halloween decorations.
9. Your kids are suddenly willing to help around the house.
8. Target stores again announce a ban on the word Christmas for all store advertising.
7. Nativity scenes are not on display in public locations.
6. Your kids will be participating on stage in the "Holiday Program" at school.
5. Hollywood produces it's annual lot of "Christmas" movies showing dysfunctional families celebrating the commercialization of Christmas.
4. Due to the extreme cold you have no choice but to finally turn on the furnace and be further gouged by the utility company.
3. Your co-worker delivers the overpriced item you ordered back in September from his fund raising Holiday catalog.
2. Pad locked Salvation Army donation buckets are on every corner.
And the number one sign...
1. You get to hear the story about that nice old man, Scrooge.
THINGS OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK ...
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
Top Ten Reasons to Attend Calvary
10. Our stage never looks the same two Sundays in a row.
9. We won't dump drinks or popcorn on you or shout at you when you leave.
8. Our stage area resembles an arboretum
7. During Advent, Pastor Jeff plays with matches every Sunday morning.
6. We have a
"Youth" section in our balcony.5. Pastor Jeff delivers powerful messages without using steroids.
4. No more frozen converts since we just replaced the heating system in the Baptistery.
3. The kids choir room has it's own ecosystem.
2. Coffee.
1. During the service when Pastor Jeff goes into the congregation rarely does a brawl break out.
Top Ten Reasons to Attend Calvary
10. That organ can really get rawkin’.
9. Our Hymnals match the carpet.
8. Sometimes if no one remembers to water the piano the strobe light creates a disco effect in the Sanctuary.
7. Every fourth Sunday of the month you get to pig out on donuts.
6. Sometimes
the Praise Band does not improvise the music and will actually follow what is written.5. Only two Sunday School classes are upstairs.
4. We have emergency lights in our bathrooms in case someone turns out the main light while you are on the throne.
3. We have showers in our bathrooms for those who are constantly running late.
2. If you look closely you will notice the eyes in the portraits of the Pastors follow you wherever you go.
1. We had our 10 year burglary in September so we are safe for another decade.
Top Ten Reasons to Attend Calvary
10. It's warm and cozy inside.
9. Pastor Jeff does not do his, "You may be a Hoosier if..." routine on Sunday mornings.
8. Junior Church (to the relief of parents).
7. Junior Church (to the delight of the kids).
6. When the power went off in the Sanctuary no one mugged anyone else.
5. Now that everyone knows where the main breaker switch is for the Sanctuary, we will make sure and trip the switch to control the Praise Band.
4. Pastor Jeff has lots of neat trinkets and toys in his office.
3. You can use the intercom to a
nnoy the secretary by acting like you are in Burger King's drive through.2. Our projector actually has a full name, Ben Q...
1. The men actually knocked before entering the women's restroom to get to the breaker box.
Top 10 Reasons To Attend VBS
10. You get to wear a robe to church.
9. There won't be any enraged, giant monkeys making an appearance during this VBS.
8. Vacation Bible School does a lot less damage than Visual Basic Script editor.
7. Whoo hooo! Free Baby-sitter for the evening...
6. You get to visit the Jerusalem Marketplace without most of the smells.
5. Who knows, Pastor Jeff may get another "Pie in the Face" at the end of VBS.
4. It is just plain fun to say, "VBS!" over and over again.
3. All those hyper-active kids together in one area!
2. Batman used to go to VBS when he was a bat pup.
1. Even Jesus would enjoy this VBS!